My Mind is Set…

… but on what?

Returning from Peru, I knew things have changed. I have become a different person and I view things differently now.

My relationship with A. did not survive that change. As sad as I am, looking back on a time that I truly enjoyed, I know this break-up is for the better, allowing me to be myself again. Allowing me to pursue what I realized in Peru. No more hiding my opinions because they didn’t match up with his. No more pretending interests that I don’t share with him. I can pursue what I want. Anything I want.

I don’t know what I expected from Peru. I don’t know what my intentions were. What did I hope for? What happened the night I decided it was the right thing to do? Was it the nervous stomach ache I got – the mix of fear and excitement of a new adventure? Was it the look on the map and the imagination of a new picture hanging up there on my wall? Was it me trying to impress A.? To make up for my lack of political accordance with him? But I also know that it did not come from purely selfish intentions. The first sentence I read on the IVHQ-website matched up with my New Year resolutions. We may not be able to save the world – but we can better one person’s life. Again, I know I am no superhero. But the small steps make the big difference. Spreading love among the orphans made me realize that – as cheesy as it sounds – we are one world and we do speak one universal language. A hand being held during a walk, and an ear listening to a story, and arms tangled in a hug, and children being picked up and carried around – these things make a difference in these children’s life.

My mind is set on embracing the new aspects of life that I have learned. To focus on the values that matter in life and to go out into the world and stand on my own fucking feet because I am strong and my thoughts matter.
I am going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to work hard to achieve my goals.
I promise.

The second that lasted three months

Everything is different but nothing has changed.

April. April Second it is. Reading through my old posts made me realize how time not only flies but seems to travel with warp drive. Different than all the fitness plans that used to be my New Year resolution, I this year decided to stick to my promises.
Early February I boarded a plane despite all my fear of heights. Taking off in direction Peru.

Volunteering in Lima has truly been a life-changing experience for me. Working at a local orphanage, I have had the opportunity to establish close friendships with the children there. Looking at them when they smile, holding and comforting them when they cry, seeing the happiness in their eyes when you pick them up, hearing their laughter when you play with them, them running up to you in the morning to hug you and asking you where you were when you missed a day, these are only few of the treasured moments I got to spend with these wonderful children. In my room, there were seven children of age five, one of them was autistic and one of them had a severe mental disability of which I don’t know the name. Although these two did not know how to talk, I was able to communicate and play with them and establish a friendship. The mamitas of the orphanage take very good care of the children, however one can tell that their is a lack of motherly love in these children’s life. Organisations like IVHQ (the one I went with) give us the opportunity to spread some love among these children and we can try to give them the happy, unconcerned and simple life a five-year-old should be able to live.

And now I returned back to my hometown, trying to get used to a daily routine again. Peru only seems like a far away memory. But I don’t want it to be a far away memory. Peru impacted my life significantly. Teaching me values I care about in life, making me realize that we CAN make a difference and that I DO want to make a difference. It just depends on what I decide to use my energy on. No more online movie streaming and hanging around in my pjs all day. It’s time to get up and get my life back together.

Good news, bad news, better news

Against all social norms, I am going to start with writing about the good news. Even more, I’ll sandwich the bad news between the good news and the better news, so they will only be as valuable as a slice of salami between the firm foundation of bread – and that’s how you cut out negativity in your life – you just transform it to sandwiches.

Enough of the food talk, now we are switching to moon walk. Not in the Michael – Jackson – ishy – way, more like in walking along the riverside on a warm spring night, feeling the booze in your stomach mix up with the booze of your heart, beating as if you were running a 5k. The drinks were running too, not a 5k, but down our throats, making the last bits of pieces of uncomfortableness disappear. Even more so, when we arrived on the roof of his flat and L. stood up, jumped on a lug and told me to come along – he would show me the most beautiful spot in the city. We were laying on our backs and watching the stars – although you could hardly see them – thanks pollution. However, that did not destroy the magic that was created that night over the big dipper.

Well now, let’s move on to the bad news. The destroying, delusionating, dreary, vapid truth. It was the last day before spring break – and while the dorks were sitting and staring, we were drinking and daring to expose our drunk selves to the sober half of the class. The walk on the river was accompanied by my fellow students, making sure that there was enough room for Jesus between L. and me. It got even worse, when in  a round of truth or truth – mostly because we were too lazy to actually fulfill dares – he got asked who he’d do it with from our school. The fact that he didn’t say my name is obvious. But is it blatant cover-up to keep our secret hidden in front of our class? Or is my mind creating a secret that only consists of hot airsequences of nothing? Or maybe am I right, and the hot airsequences do contain a slight bit of love? Or is it the cursory joy of fleeting summernights that makes us stumble? At least the stars watching was just between him, me, and the universe.

Now let’s move on to the completely unrelated but remarkable better news: I reached a new level of spontaneity. Last Tuesday, my friend and I celebrated the beginning of spring with a cold beer on a hot afternoon at the riverside. Over our excitement, our love for travel slowly arose – and: We are flying to London, GB tomorrow. The surprise call to my parents was rather strange: “Hey mom, are you up for a talk? … Mmhhm … Yeah, um I have a question … Well, do you think … Yeah, we would like to travel to London in, wait let’s count, like 4 days, alright?”

But now it’s less than 12 hours until I will get the chance to discover a new city and with it a new perspective on the world. The only not so exciting thing is that I now officially have less than three hours of sleep left.

Therefore, goodnight.