Two years

It has been two years. Two fucking years. 728 days.

Reading my last posts seem like a distant dream. Words, sentences, paragraphs from a different world. Because I am not the person I used to be back then. As much drama as I seemed to have had, or trouble I seemed to be going through – I was goddamn happy. I was in a good place. Yes, my heart got broken, but I wasn’t broken back then.

Somehow, things have changed in my life, and they have changed me – but unfortunately not for the better but for the worse. I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I’m not poor. I’m a healthy, pretty, middle-classed girl, brown hair, blue eyes, decent clothes, cupboards full of food, nice apartment, Macbook and iPhone at hand. Still, I am unhappy.

I am so fucking damn unhappy and I do not know why. I have no clue. Not a hint. I simply do not know. But it is driving crazy. Because it is not fair. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I have everything that I need, no I even have more.

I have the best boyfriend in the world, who I met right after I got back from Peru and who has stayed by my side ever since making me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I haveĀ  amazing parents, who try their very best and work hard and I know that they live to see me succeed. I have a sister, who loves me so incredibly much, and who needs me and makes me feel needed. And I have a brother, who is not afraid to speak up and call me on some bullshit, and even though we might disagree, I know he’ll always be honest. I have friends. People I can trust, rely on, and people, who will be here for me when I need them. So as you see I have no right, not even the slightest, tiniest little bit, to be so unhappy.

I may have made a lot of New Years resolutions, mostly ones that I’ve held till around January 3rd, but there is one resolution that I have regarding life. I promised myself, no matter what, I want to be happy.

So, having no other clue on how to figure this out, I turned to my good old friend. My computer keyboard. Word by word, letter by letter I am going to figure this out. I am going to make my way back. Back into that fucking spot of sunshine, when you hear the birds chirping, and the people smiling, and when you just start smiling for no reason. That’s where I wanna get. And I will. I will be happy again.

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Confusion and Confession

However, T. was not the reason for the rain in my head – he only provided the clouds. The reasons to make the water drops fall out of the clouds and roll down on my face is my best friend R. Or the one I used to call my best friend until a couple days ago.

The story is told quickly. Jealousy has overtaken her mind. This is what makes this fight so difficult. Her text came out of nowhere, leading to an immediate turn down with T. who I was with that moment, and an immediate break out of tears on my face, but the appellation as backstabber stabbed right through my mental stability.

I swear I never tried to take away her spot in the group, I swear I never meant to cut her out or leave her alone and I am sure not the reason she ended up in the hospital that one night after a party. The thing is – I can’t even cry about it because I don’t know how to fix it. I could cry, if I knew things would be alright soon, and the momentary drama will vanish. But I have no idea how to fix this. So all I feel is emptiness. She is my best friend. And I don’t know how I make her understand that I never intended to do anything to hurt her. But the jealousy, I cannot end. I am not going to stop living my life just because she doesn’t like the way I live it. It’s my life after all. I am lost. But I hope, with the announced sunshine in the paper, I will brighten up a little.

Although at the moment, I fear the thunderstorm coming in: because on Saturday night, all my will either be resolved or my makeup will dissolve itself. Because on Saturday night, we will all meet up at the big party of the year.