Two years

It has been two years. Two fucking years. 728 days.

Reading my last posts seem like a distant dream. Words, sentences, paragraphs from a different world. Because I am not the person I used to be back then. As much drama as I seemed to have had, or trouble I seemed to be going through – I was goddamn happy. I was in a good place. Yes, my heart got broken, but I wasn’t broken back then.

Somehow, things have changed in my life, and they have changed me – but unfortunately not for the better but for the worse. I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I’m not poor. I’m a healthy, pretty, middle-classed girl, brown hair, blue eyes, decent clothes, cupboards full of food, nice apartment, Macbook and iPhone at hand. Still, I am unhappy.

I am so fucking damn unhappy and I do not know why. I have no clue. Not a hint. I simply do not know. But it is driving crazy. Because it is not fair. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I have everything that I need, no I even have more.

I have the best boyfriend in the world, who I met right after I got back from Peru and who has stayed by my side ever since making me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I haveĀ  amazing parents, who try their very best and work hard and I know that they live to see me succeed. I have a sister, who loves me so incredibly much, and who needs me and makes me feel needed. And I have a brother, who is not afraid to speak up and call me on some bullshit, and even though we might disagree, I know he’ll always be honest. I have friends. People I can trust, rely on, and people, who will be here for me when I need them. So as you see I have no right, not even the slightest, tiniest little bit, to be so unhappy.

I may have made a lot of New Years resolutions, mostly ones that I’ve held till around January 3rd, but there is one resolution that I have regarding life. I promised myself, no matter what, I want to be happy.

So, having no other clue on how to figure this out, I turned to my good old friend. My computer keyboard. Word by word, letter by letter I am going to figure this out. I am going to make my way back. Back into that fucking spot of sunshine, when you hear the birds chirping, and the people smiling, and when you just start smiling for no reason. That’s where I wanna get. And I will. I will be happy again.

My Mind is Set…

… but on what?

Returning from Peru, I knew things have changed. I have become a different person and I view things differently now.

My relationship with A. did not survive that change. As sad as I am, looking back on a time that I truly enjoyed, I know this break-up is for the better, allowing me to be myself again. Allowing me to pursue what I realized in Peru. No more hiding my opinions because they didn’t match up with his. No more pretending interests that I don’t share with him. I can pursue what I want. Anything I want.

I don’t know what I expected from Peru. I don’t know what my intentions were. What did I hope for? What happened the night I decided it was the right thing to do? Was it the nervous stomach ache I got – the mix of fear and excitement of a new adventure? Was it the look on the map and the imagination of a new picture hanging up there on my wall? Was it me trying to impress A.? To make up for my lack of political accordance with him? But I also know that it did not come from purely selfish intentions. The first sentence I read on the IVHQ-website matched up with my New Year resolutions. We may not be able to save the world – but we can better one person’s life. Again, I know I am no superhero. But the small steps make the big difference. Spreading love among the orphans made me realize that – as cheesy as it sounds – we are one world and we do speak one universal language. A hand being held during a walk, and an ear listening to a story, and arms tangled in a hug, and children being picked up and carried around – these things make a difference in these children’s life.

My mind is set on embracing the new aspects of life that I have learned. To focus on the values that matter in life and to go out into the world and stand on my own fucking feet because I am strong and my thoughts matter.
I am going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to work hard to achieve my goals.
I promise.