Gratitude

After having rolled in my self-pity for days now, I have to find another outlook on life. Starting by thanking one person, who has been my rock for the last two years.

Shortly after Peru, I have moved to a new city, about two hours away from home. Excited and a little bit scared I started my new life with two fellow roommates in an old apartment in the rather bad part in town. However, it wasn’t the neighborhood that caused me troubles – no – but my roommates sure did. I only had one person back then that could cheer me up: P. My boyfriend, love of my life, P. He would stay with me every night, because I couldn’t take it to be alone. He would have his phone always on vibrate, so that he’d hear me calling even during work hours. He made sure that I knew how much he loved me.

After six months I couldn’t take it any longer, and I fled. I would walk up to the apartment door, only to turn around after having touched the doorknob. So I hid at his place. For two entire months. I just couldn’t go back there. Then I moved. I thought that was it. Things were looking up, and starting to get better. P. and I bonded over long moonlight walks by the lake, fun roller coaster rides at the fair, delicious meals in the lovely restaurant up-town, barbecuing steaks on warm summer nights, and over moments filled with laughter and joy. I soon realized, he was the one. And that I never were to let him go.

August came and I not only started a new, demanding job, but I also got to move back home. P. and I hit rough patches, but it only made us stronger. In December my job, a temporary position, came to an end. We celebrated by taking a trip over New Years. It was one of the happiest vacations in my life. I have made memories, that I will keep forever, and that deserve to be thought about every so often.

But then January hit. I just hit this empty space. I didn’t have a reason to get up in the morning, I had nothing to do, no job, no college for another 2 months, nothing. Also I had to face the fact, that I’d soon have to move back to my college apartment. Same apartment, different people. So back to square one. But I had time. I had two months that I could spend with P. all to myself. I moved in with him for six whole weeks, eternity as it seemed. Followed by two more weeks on our dream vacation in the Caribbean. I was almost sad when I got on the plane, because it meant that our six weeks together were already over. But I still had two left. And these two weeks were the most wonderful weeks in my entire life. I have started laughing again, laughing to the fullest, I have smiled at strangers, talked to waiters, made new friends, I let life carry me again and making me happy.

That was three weeks ago. Now I am back in the clean sheets of my college apartment. P. has left for mandatory military service, so I barely get to see him. But this doesn’t change anything. He is and has always been my rock. My saving branch, when I am nearly drowning. My security blanket, when I need to snuggle up. My shoulder to cry on, when I just can’t keep it in anymore. He has supported me in any way that he can and he is showing me his love day by day, every second of my life. So no matter what the future brings, he will always be the love of my life. He is my rock, my baby, my king, my hero, and my very best friend.

And that is a pretty damn good thing to be happy about.

 

P., I thank you for what you give me day by day. You are my world.

 

 

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The second that lasted three months

Everything is different but nothing has changed.

April. April Second it is. Reading through my old posts made me realize how time not only flies but seems to travel with warp drive. Different than all the fitness plans that used to be my New Year resolution, I this year decided to stick to my promises.
Early February I boarded a plane despite all my fear of heights. Taking off in direction Peru.

Volunteering in Lima has truly been a life-changing experience for me. Working at a local orphanage, I have had the opportunity to establish close friendships with the children there. Looking at them when they smile, holding and comforting them when they cry, seeing the happiness in their eyes when you pick them up, hearing their laughter when you play with them, them running up to you in the morning to hug you and asking you where you were when you missed a day, these are only few of the treasured moments I got to spend with these wonderful children. In my room, there were seven children of age five, one of them was autistic and one of them had a severe mental disability of which I don’t know the name. Although these two did not know how to talk, I was able to communicate and play with them and establish a friendship. The mamitas of the orphanage take very good care of the children, however one can tell that their is a lack of motherly love in these children’s life. Organisations like IVHQ (the one I went with) give us the opportunity to spread some love among these children and we can try to give them the happy, unconcerned and simple life a five-year-old should be able to live.

And now I returned back to my hometown, trying to get used to a daily routine again. Peru only seems like a far away memory. But I don’t want it to be a far away memory. Peru impacted my life significantly. Teaching me values I care about in life, making me realize that we CAN make a difference and that I DO want to make a difference. It just depends on what I decide to use my energy on. No more online movie streaming and hanging around in my pjs all day. It’s time to get up and get my life back together.

And another year comes to an end…

…which marks the beginning of a new one full of opportunities, experiences and adventures. As you see, I seem to be optimistic concerning the New Year. So let me sum up the past few months for you:

There were no butterflies left for L. or T. No. But over a few beers by the riverside I realized that there was someone, who had some butterflies left for ME. Skeptical, given my recent past with princes that turned into big old frogs, I did not want to let any more confusion in my heart and tried to shut and lock the doors. As you can probably guess, that try I gave, did not quite work out.

As a celebration of our four-months-anniversary, A. and I decided to go on our very first vacation: A Skiing Weekend in a mountain hut. In the freezing cold, our kisses warmed us up during the ride up the mountain in the small but comfortable gondola. It proves difficult to describe what the atmosphere was like: The perky, white snowflakes embellishing my dark hair, our hands convoluted in one another and our eyes meeting with a glorified look full of sparkling, gleaming promises of love.

But not only my love life has achieved a high tide, so has my academic career: I have finished high school. I graduated. It’s over. Don’t get me wrong – I loved high school! I already miss fellow students and teachers, I miss the run for the sparsely placed but vigorously used microwaves, the annoyed look to the clock when the bell has already rung, the rolling of the eyes when someone cuts you off in the hallway – Yes, I miss high school. I miss the lunches with my friends, the chitchat and gossip over faculty and the not-so-well-liked friends, the educational discussion with our teachers, and the participation in each others lifes. Because ever since graduation, my life mainly consist of online movie streaming (legally, of course) and chocolate bars (Yeah, I gave up on that fitness plan)

So here I am, making New Year’s Resolutions: Next year will give me the opportunity to better myself as a person, to contribute my share of benevolence and helpfulness to a project, which will provide someone else with increased opportunities, to share my happiness with the world, I want to make the world a better place.

I know I can’t save the world. I know I’m no superhero. But what I can do, is to share my happiness with others, to help and stand by, to listen and to comfort, to laugh and to love, and to live life to the fullest. So I might not save the world as a whole, but I will impact the life of my family, friends, and fellow citizens to make their lifes better.

Pathetic Fallacy – Clouds over my Head

The guy who taught me this word – I once thought he was the one. He was the muse to my lines turning them into what I thought was meaningful. He was the inspiration for my rhymes and the rhythm of my beat. He was a frog. Just like so many other princes that seemed to have gone through a reverse metamorphosis. And then they always say that frogs love the rain. Well at least the weather matches up with my mood. The cloudy and vacuous sky that has been hanging over my head and damping my non-existing smile did not only bring physical sogginess on the streets but also metaphorical rain in my head. And not even chocolate managed to be strong enough to build myself an umbrella. The only thing I built with it, is a couple extra pounds on the scale – but that’s a whole other story.

This story namely, is about the spring that I have wished to come a couple weeks ago since my life seemed so boring. And about that same spring which I now wish back to where it came from, because it is giving me sleepless nights and a severe headache. But let’s start at the beginning.

After the exciting nights spent with L., I felt absolutely no excitement when I packed up my backpack for camp. The forest was calling – or the scouts camping in it, to be precise. But against all prejudgements, I have been carried away into the world nightly campfires and the sounds of our voices matching up with the chords of the guitar and the sizzling of the flames, warming not only my hands but also my heart. I know it’s sounds cheesy but it was beautiful. I have not seen that many stars at once on a nightly sky in a while. The lack of pollution did not only clear off the sky, but my head as well. Things were so easy. It just all worked out. Not having known anyone prior to departure, I was worried about a billion things – turns out no worries were needed. Because I was accepted and even more, I was liked within peers and patrons. I did not want the week to end – we all didn’t, in only a week we developed family feelings for each other – although I was glad to have my own bathroom back.

Now, let’s speak about the more exciting parts: Not only the spring, which I wished for arrived. There were other springy feelings around as well. And while I had no trouble to give the fluff to the six-teen-year old, who seemed to grab my hands and massage them whenever they were within half a mile distance, I struggled when the good-looking, sexy, and buff T. suddenly decided to give me his attention. No. It was not the romantic kind of attention. But I didn’t mind. Being single since for almost 9 months, makes a woman develop needs – or more – desires. It was a warm and funny night – including the consumption of liquors which did certainly not help my better judgement to decide against – the sauna was not the only thing making the evening hot… Nevertheless, fate decided to end before the finish – making T. promise me to terminate another night which left me, the hopeless romantic, in unrealistic expectations.

Having returned to my hometown, things got weird. We did hook up a second time, but last night, all their was, was the awkward avoidance of eye contact, which made us have even more awkward eye contact after all. I can’t help it, I still think he’s insanely hot, but he made clear that he does not want anything to do with me anymore. And there are the clouds building up over my head…

Because it seems like princes cannot be found in hot sauna nights or rhythmic muses – the search will continue. And even though I still think about L. a lot, I am worried what my questionless acceptance of T. means? Was it the sixpack that made me forget L.’s personality? That would make me a pretty bad person. Or is it the natural attraction to someone who I have just met at the wrong time?

Well time will show.

Good news, bad news, better news

Against all social norms, I am going to start with writing about the good news. Even more, I’ll sandwich the bad news between the good news and the better news, so they will only be as valuable as a slice of salami between the firm foundation of bread – and that’s how you cut out negativity in your life – you just transform it to sandwiches.

Enough of the food talk, now we are switching to moon walk. Not in the Michael – Jackson – ishy – way, more like in walking along the riverside on a warm spring night, feeling the booze in your stomach mix up with the booze of your heart, beating as if you were running a 5k. The drinks were running too, not a 5k, but down our throats, making the last bits of pieces of uncomfortableness disappear. Even more so, when we arrived on the roof of his flat and L. stood up, jumped on a lug and told me to come along – he would show me the most beautiful spot in the city. We were laying on our backs and watching the stars – although you could hardly see them – thanks pollution. However, that did not destroy the magic that was created that night over the big dipper.

Well now, let’s move on to the bad news. The destroying, delusionating, dreary, vapid truth. It was the last day before spring break – and while the dorks were sitting and staring, we were drinking and daring to expose our drunk selves to the sober half of the class. The walk on the river was accompanied by my fellow students, making sure that there was enough room for Jesus between L. and me. It got even worse, when in  a round of truth or truth – mostly because we were too lazy to actually fulfill dares – he got asked who he’d do it with from our school. The fact that he didn’t say my name is obvious. But is it blatant cover-up to keep our secret hidden in front of our class? Or is my mind creating a secret that only consists of hot airsequences of nothing? Or maybe am I right, and the hot airsequences do contain a slight bit of love? Or is it the cursory joy of fleeting summernights that makes us stumble? At least the stars watching was just between him, me, and the universe.

Now let’s move on to the completely unrelated but remarkable better news: I reached a new level of spontaneity. Last Tuesday, my friend and I celebrated the beginning of spring with a cold beer on a hot afternoon at the riverside. Over our excitement, our love for travel slowly arose – and: We are flying to London, GB tomorrow. The surprise call to my parents was rather strange: “Hey mom, are you up for a talk? … Mmhhm … Yeah, um I have a question … Well, do you think … Yeah, we would like to travel to London in, wait let’s count, like 4 days, alright?”

But now it’s less than 12 hours until I will get the chance to discover a new city and with it a new perspective on the world. The only not so exciting thing is that I now officially have less than three hours of sleep left.

Therefore, goodnight.

 

About weather phenomenons and new beginnings: The arrival of spring

Spring has finally announced itself, unfortunately though accompanied by a heavy load of hayfever which haunting me and my nose through day and night. Otherwise, things are looking up. With the arousal of spring, my feelings started to arouse too: I am starting to feel again.

With winter’s windy tide and icy, cold dark nights, winter has silenced me and my inner thoughts into a never-be. I built a wall, safe and strong to stand against avalanches of tears and piles of stacked up emotions, who would have certainly contributed to the snowball effect, which would have cause me to spend the rest of winter in bed under my warming blanket, since my bed seemed to be the only one that wanted to spend a night with me. I shut O., who calls himself my ex-boyfriend and first love, out to survive, I put my feelings in freeze, so they couldn’t reach me anymore. I closed the door and locked it twice. Feelings were not welcomed.

Now it might be summer’s warmth announcing itself through springy afternoons and idyllic evening lights. It might be the first lightning bugs brighten up the night along with my mood, the taste of fresh strawberries, when the teeth reach the soft and sweet juice through a firm bite, refreshing mouth and mind. It might be the fact, that I rolled up my pants, exchanged boots for ballerina shoes and finally took off my winter coat.

No matter the cause, one thing is for sure.

I am starting to feel again.

And as you see, I am a hopeless romantic trying to capture life’s beauty in words in order to express my inner butterflies, which are slowly stiring up my inner hormonial circle making me look at people in a way I have not looked at them before. But more about that another time.