Two years

It has been two years. Two fucking years. 728 days.

Reading my last posts seem like a distant dream. Words, sentences, paragraphs from a different world. Because I am not the person I used to be back then. As much drama as I seemed to have had, or trouble I seemed to be going through – I was goddamn happy. I was in a good place. Yes, my heart got broken, but I wasn’t broken back then.

Somehow, things have changed in my life, and they have changed me – but unfortunately not for the better but for the worse. I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I’m not poor. I’m a healthy, pretty, middle-classed girl, brown hair, blue eyes, decent clothes, cupboards full of food, nice apartment, Macbook and iPhone at hand. Still, I am unhappy.

I am so fucking damn unhappy and I do not know why. I have no clue. Not a hint. I simply do not know. But it is driving crazy. Because it is not fair. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I have everything that I need, no I even have more.

I have the best boyfriend in the world, who I met right after I got back from Peru and who has stayed by my side ever since making me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I haveĀ  amazing parents, who try their very best and work hard and I know that they live to see me succeed. I have a sister, who loves me so incredibly much, and who needs me and makes me feel needed. And I have a brother, who is not afraid to speak up and call me on some bullshit, and even though we might disagree, I know he’ll always be honest. I have friends. People I can trust, rely on, and people, who will be here for me when I need them. So as you see I have no right, not even the slightest, tiniest little bit, to be so unhappy.

I may have made a lot of New Years resolutions, mostly ones that I’ve held till around January 3rd, but there is one resolution that I have regarding life. I promised myself, no matter what, I want to be happy.

So, having no other clue on how to figure this out, I turned to my good old friend. My computer keyboard. Word by word, letter by letter I am going to figure this out. I am going to make my way back. Back into that fucking spot of sunshine, when you hear the birds chirping, and the people smiling, and when you just start smiling for no reason. That’s where I wanna get. And I will. I will be happy again.

About weather phenomenons and new beginnings: The arrival of spring

Spring has finally announced itself, unfortunately though accompanied by a heavy load of hayfever which haunting me and my nose through day and night. Otherwise, things are looking up. With the arousal of spring, my feelings started to arouse too: I am starting to feel again.

With winter’s windy tide and icy, cold dark nights, winter has silenced me and my inner thoughts into a never-be. I built a wall, safe and strong to stand against avalanches of tears and piles of stacked up emotions, who would have certainly contributed to the snowball effect, which would have cause me to spend the rest of winter in bed under my warming blanket, since my bed seemed to be the only one that wanted to spend a night with me. I shut O., who calls himself my ex-boyfriend and first love, out to survive, I put my feelings in freeze, so they couldn’t reach me anymore. I closed the door and locked it twice. Feelings were not welcomed.

Now it might be summer’s warmth announcing itself through springy afternoons and idyllic evening lights. It might be the first lightning bugs brighten up the night along with my mood, the taste of fresh strawberries, when the teeth reach the soft and sweet juice through a firm bite, refreshing mouth and mind. It might be the fact, that I rolled up my pants, exchanged boots for ballerina shoes and finally took off my winter coat.

No matter the cause, one thing is for sure.

I am starting to feel again.

And as you see, I am a hopeless romantic trying to capture life’s beauty in words in order to express my inner butterflies, which are slowly stiring up my inner hormonial circle making me look at people in a way I have not looked at them before. But more about that another time.