My Mind is Set…

… but on what?

Returning from Peru, I knew things have changed. I have become a different person and I view things differently now.

My relationship with A. did not survive that change. As sad as I am, looking back on a time that I truly enjoyed, I know this break-up is for the better, allowing me to be myself again. Allowing me to pursue what I realized in Peru. No more hiding my opinions because they didn’t match up with his. No more pretending interests that I don’t share with him. I can pursue what I want. Anything I want.

I don’t know what I expected from Peru. I don’t know what my intentions were. What did I hope for? What happened the night I decided it was the right thing to do? Was it the nervous stomach ache I got – the mix of fear and excitement of a new adventure? Was it the look on the map and the imagination of a new picture hanging up there on my wall? Was it me trying to impress A.? To make up for my lack of political accordance with him? But I also know that it did not come from purely selfish intentions. The first sentence I read on the IVHQ-website matched up with my New Year resolutions. We may not be able to save the world – but we can better one person’s life. Again, I know I am no superhero. But the small steps make the big difference. Spreading love among the orphans made me realize that – as cheesy as it sounds – we are one world and we do speak one universal language. A hand being held during a walk, and an ear listening to a story, and arms tangled in a hug, and children being picked up and carried around – these things make a difference in these children’s life.

My mind is set on embracing the new aspects of life that I have learned. To focus on the values that matter in life and to go out into the world and stand on my own fucking feet because I am strong and my thoughts matter.
I am going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to work hard to achieve my goals.
I promise.

The second that lasted three months

Everything is different but nothing has changed.

April. April Second it is. Reading through my old posts made me realize how time not only flies but seems to travel with warp drive. Different than all the fitness plans that used to be my New Year resolution, I this year decided to stick to my promises.
Early February I boarded a plane despite all my fear of heights. Taking off in direction Peru.

Volunteering in Lima has truly been a life-changing experience for me. Working at a local orphanage, I have had the opportunity to establish close friendships with the children there. Looking at them when they smile, holding and comforting them when they cry, seeing the happiness in their eyes when you pick them up, hearing their laughter when you play with them, them running up to you in the morning to hug you and asking you where you were when you missed a day, these are only few of the treasured moments I got to spend with these wonderful children. In my room, there were seven children of age five, one of them was autistic and one of them had a severe mental disability of which I don’t know the name. Although these two did not know how to talk, I was able to communicate and play with them and establish a friendship. The mamitas of the orphanage take very good care of the children, however one can tell that their is a lack of motherly love in these children’s life. Organisations like IVHQ (the one I went with) give us the opportunity to spread some love among these children and we can try to give them the happy, unconcerned and simple life a five-year-old should be able to live.

And now I returned back to my hometown, trying to get used to a daily routine again. Peru only seems like a far away memory. But I don’t want it to be a far away memory. Peru impacted my life significantly. Teaching me values I care about in life, making me realize that we CAN make a difference and that I DO want to make a difference. It just depends on what I decide to use my energy on. No more online movie streaming and hanging around in my pjs all day. It’s time to get up and get my life back together.

And another year comes to an end…

…which marks the beginning of a new one full of opportunities, experiences and adventures. As you see, I seem to be optimistic concerning the New Year. So let me sum up the past few months for you:

There were no butterflies left for L. or T. No. But over a few beers by the riverside I realized that there was someone, who had some butterflies left for ME. Skeptical, given my recent past with princes that turned into big old frogs, I did not want to let any more confusion in my heart and tried to shut and lock the doors. As you can probably guess, that try I gave, did not quite work out.

As a celebration of our four-months-anniversary, A. and I decided to go on our very first vacation: A Skiing Weekend in a mountain hut. In the freezing cold, our kisses warmed us up during the ride up the mountain in the small but comfortable gondola. It proves difficult to describe what the atmosphere was like: The perky, white snowflakes embellishing my dark hair, our hands convoluted in one another and our eyes meeting with a glorified look full of sparkling, gleaming promises of love.

But not only my love life has achieved a high tide, so has my academic career: I have finished high school. I graduated. It’s over. Don’t get me wrong – I loved high school! I already miss fellow students and teachers, I miss the run for the sparsely placed but vigorously used microwaves, the annoyed look to the clock when the bell has already rung, the rolling of the eyes when someone cuts you off in the hallway – Yes, I miss high school. I miss the lunches with my friends, the chitchat and gossip over faculty and the not-so-well-liked friends, the educational discussion with our teachers, and the participation in each others lifes. Because ever since graduation, my life mainly consist of online movie streaming (legally, of course) and chocolate bars (Yeah, I gave up on that fitness plan)

So here I am, making New Year’s Resolutions: Next year will give me the opportunity to better myself as a person, to contribute my share of benevolence and helpfulness to a project, which will provide someone else with increased opportunities, to share my happiness with the world, I want to make the world a better place.

I know I can’t save the world. I know I’m no superhero. But what I can do, is to share my happiness with others, to help and stand by, to listen and to comfort, to laugh and to love, and to live life to the fullest. So I might not save the world as a whole, but I will impact the life of my family, friends, and fellow citizens to make their lifes better.

Confusion and Confession

However, T. was not the reason for the rain in my head – he only provided the clouds. The reasons to make the water drops fall out of the clouds and roll down on my face is my best friend R. Or the one I used to call my best friend until a couple days ago.

The story is told quickly. Jealousy has overtaken her mind. This is what makes this fight so difficult. Her text came out of nowhere, leading to an immediate turn down with T. who I was with that moment, and an immediate break out of tears on my face, but the appellation as backstabber stabbed right through my mental stability.

I swear I never tried to take away her spot in the group, I swear I never meant to cut her out or leave her alone and I am sure not the reason she ended up in the hospital that one night after a party. The thing is – I can’t even cry about it because I don’t know how to fix it. I could cry, if I knew things would be alright soon, and the momentary drama will vanish. But I have no idea how to fix this. So all I feel is emptiness. She is my best friend. And I don’t know how I make her understand that I never intended to do anything to hurt her. But the jealousy, I cannot end. I am not going to stop living my life just because she doesn’t like the way I live it. It’s my life after all. I am lost. But I hope, with the announced sunshine in the paper, I will brighten up a little.

Although at the moment, I fear the thunderstorm coming in: because on Saturday night, all my will either be resolved or my makeup will dissolve itself. Because on Saturday night, we will all meet up at the big party of the year.

Pathetic Fallacy – Clouds over my Head

The guy who taught me this word – I once thought he was the one. He was the muse to my lines turning them into what I thought was meaningful. He was the inspiration for my rhymes and the rhythm of my beat. He was a frog. Just like so many other princes that seemed to have gone through a reverse metamorphosis. And then they always say that frogs love the rain. Well at least the weather matches up with my mood. The cloudy and vacuous sky that has been hanging over my head and damping my non-existing smile did not only bring physical sogginess on the streets but also metaphorical rain in my head. And not even chocolate managed to be strong enough to build myself an umbrella. The only thing I built with it, is a couple extra pounds on the scale – but that’s a whole other story.

This story namely, is about the spring that I have wished to come a couple weeks ago since my life seemed so boring. And about that same spring which I now wish back to where it came from, because it is giving me sleepless nights and a severe headache. But let’s start at the beginning.

After the exciting nights spent with L., I felt absolutely no excitement when I packed up my backpack for camp. The forest was calling – or the scouts camping in it, to be precise. But against all prejudgements, I have been carried away into the world nightly campfires and the sounds of our voices matching up with the chords of the guitar and the sizzling of the flames, warming not only my hands but also my heart. I know it’s sounds cheesy but it was beautiful. I have not seen that many stars at once on a nightly sky in a while. The lack of pollution did not only clear off the sky, but my head as well. Things were so easy. It just all worked out. Not having known anyone prior to departure, I was worried about a billion things – turns out no worries were needed. Because I was accepted and even more, I was liked within peers and patrons. I did not want the week to end – we all didn’t, in only a week we developed family feelings for each other – although I was glad to have my own bathroom back.

Now, let’s speak about the more exciting parts: Not only the spring, which I wished for arrived. There were other springy feelings around as well. And while I had no trouble to give the fluff to the six-teen-year old, who seemed to grab my hands and massage them whenever they were within half a mile distance, I struggled when the good-looking, sexy, and buff T. suddenly decided to give me his attention. No. It was not the romantic kind of attention. But I didn’t mind. Being single since for almost 9 months, makes a woman develop needs – or more – desires. It was a warm and funny night – including the consumption of liquors which did certainly not help my better judgement to decide against – the sauna was not the only thing making the evening hot… Nevertheless, fate decided to end before the finish – making T. promise me to terminate another night which left me, the hopeless romantic, in unrealistic expectations.

Having returned to my hometown, things got weird. We did hook up a second time, but last night, all their was, was the awkward avoidance of eye contact, which made us have even more awkward eye contact after all. I can’t help it, I still think he’s insanely hot, but he made clear that he does not want anything to do with me anymore. And there are the clouds building up over my head…

Because it seems like princes cannot be found in hot sauna nights or rhythmic muses – the search will continue. And even though I still think about L. a lot, I am worried what my questionless acceptance of T. means? Was it the sixpack that made me forget L.’s personality? That would make me a pretty bad person. Or is it the natural attraction to someone who I have just met at the wrong time?

Well time will show.

Good news, bad news, better news

Against all social norms, I am going to start with writing about the good news. Even more, I’ll sandwich the bad news between the good news and the better news, so they will only be as valuable as a slice of salami between the firm foundation of bread – and that’s how you cut out negativity in your life – you just transform it to sandwiches.

Enough of the food talk, now we are switching to moon walk. Not in the Michael – Jackson – ishy – way, more like in walking along the riverside on a warm spring night, feeling the booze in your stomach mix up with the booze of your heart, beating as if you were running a 5k. The drinks were running too, not a 5k, but down our throats, making the last bits of pieces of uncomfortableness disappear. Even more so, when we arrived on the roof of his flat and L. stood up, jumped on a lug and told me to come along – he would show me the most beautiful spot in the city. We were laying on our backs and watching the stars – although you could hardly see them – thanks pollution. However, that did not destroy the magic that was created that night over the big dipper.

Well now, let’s move on to the bad news. The destroying, delusionating, dreary, vapid truth. It was the last day before spring break – and while the dorks were sitting and staring, we were drinking and daring to expose our drunk selves to the sober half of the class. The walk on the river was accompanied by my fellow students, making sure that there was enough room for Jesus between L. and me. It got even worse, when in  a round of truth or truth – mostly because we were too lazy to actually fulfill dares – he got asked who he’d do it with from our school. The fact that he didn’t say my name is obvious. But is it blatant cover-up to keep our secret hidden in front of our class? Or is my mind creating a secret that only consists of hot airsequences of nothing? Or maybe am I right, and the hot airsequences do contain a slight bit of love? Or is it the cursory joy of fleeting summernights that makes us stumble? At least the stars watching was just between him, me, and the universe.

Now let’s move on to the completely unrelated but remarkable better news: I reached a new level of spontaneity. Last Tuesday, my friend and I celebrated the beginning of spring with a cold beer on a hot afternoon at the riverside. Over our excitement, our love for travel slowly arose – and: We are flying to London, GB tomorrow. The surprise call to my parents was rather strange: “Hey mom, are you up for a talk? … Mmhhm … Yeah, um I have a question … Well, do you think … Yeah, we would like to travel to London in, wait let’s count, like 4 days, alright?”

But now it’s less than 12 hours until I will get the chance to discover a new city and with it a new perspective on the world. The only not so exciting thing is that I now officially have less than three hours of sleep left.

Therefore, goodnight.

 

Push, squat, breathe

I will admit it straight away: The only reason why I am flirting with the devil is pure peer pressure. But over the daily talks of the greatness of burpees and the satisfaction of wall-climbers, I got curious.

So I dug up the old and wrinkly sport clothes from the bottom of my drawer, and decided to get fit for summer.

After 60 minutes of burpees, squats, wall-climbers, push-ups and sit-ups, I was about to pass out. But not only from exhaustion, but also from pride – I actually survived an entire lesson of Crossfit. I have entered the magical threshold of the fitness universe, and I have promptly been infected with fitness mania. The only cure seems to be to sweat more, squat lower and suck it up, so one day, I won’t have to suck it in anymore.

Well, the regrets are coming today, that I couldn’t even put on my coat because I am sore as hell. And there we are with the devil again. But my abs and muscles, which are lying under a firm layer of winter fat, will thank me eventually.

And as long as I don’t forget to breathe, I can work it. Just push, squat and breathe.