My Mind is Set…

… but on what?

Returning from Peru, I knew things have changed. I have become a different person and I view things differently now.

My relationship with A. did not survive that change. As sad as I am, looking back on a time that I truly enjoyed, I know this break-up is for the better, allowing me to be myself again. Allowing me to pursue what I realized in Peru. No more hiding my opinions because they didn’t match up with his. No more pretending interests that I don’t share with him. I can pursue what I want. Anything I want.

I don’t know what I expected from Peru. I don’t know what my intentions were. What did I hope for? What happened the night I decided it was the right thing to do? Was it the nervous stomach ache I got – the mix of fear and excitement of a new adventure? Was it the look on the map and the imagination of a new picture hanging up there on my wall? Was it me trying to impress A.? To make up for my lack of political accordance with him? But I also know that it did not come from purely selfish intentions. The first sentence I read on the IVHQ-website matched up with my New Year resolutions. We may not be able to save the world – but we can better one person’s life. Again, I know I am no superhero. But the small steps make the big difference. Spreading love among the orphans made me realize that – as cheesy as it sounds – we are one world and we do speak one universal language. A hand being held during a walk, and an ear listening to a story, and arms tangled in a hug, and children being picked up and carried around – these things make a difference in these children’s life.

My mind is set on embracing the new aspects of life that I have learned. To focus on the values that matter in life and to go out into the world and stand on my own fucking feet because I am strong and my thoughts matter.
I am going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to work hard to achieve my goals.
I promise.

About weather phenomenons and new beginnings: The arrival of spring

Spring has finally announced itself, unfortunately though accompanied by a heavy load of hayfever which haunting me and my nose through day and night. Otherwise, things are looking up. With the arousal of spring, my feelings started to arouse too: I am starting to feel again.

With winter’s windy tide and icy, cold dark nights, winter has silenced me and my inner thoughts into a never-be. I built a wall, safe and strong to stand against avalanches of tears and piles of stacked up emotions, who would have certainly contributed to the snowball effect, which would have cause me to spend the rest of winter in bed under my warming blanket, since my bed seemed to be the only one that wanted to spend a night with me. I shut O., who calls himself my ex-boyfriend and first love, out to survive, I put my feelings in freeze, so they couldn’t reach me anymore. I closed the door and locked it twice. Feelings were not welcomed.

Now it might be summer’s warmth announcing itself through springy afternoons and idyllic evening lights. It might be the first lightning bugs brighten up the night along with my mood, the taste of fresh strawberries, when the teeth reach the soft and sweet juice through a firm bite, refreshing mouth and mind. It might be the fact, that I rolled up my pants, exchanged boots for ballerina shoes and finally took off my winter coat.

No matter the cause, one thing is for sure.

I am starting to feel again.

And as you see, I am a hopeless romantic trying to capture life’s beauty in words in order to express my inner butterflies, which are slowly stiring up my inner hormonial circle making me look at people in a way I have not looked at them before. But more about that another time.