Two years

It has been two years. Two fucking years. 728 days.

Reading my last posts seem like a distant dream. Words, sentences, paragraphs from a different world. Because I am not the person I used to be back then. As much drama as I seemed to have had, or trouble I seemed to be going through – I was goddamn happy. I was in a good place. Yes, my heart got broken, but I wasn’t broken back then.

Somehow, things have changed in my life, and they have changed me – but unfortunately not for the better but for the worse. I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I’m not poor. I’m a healthy, pretty, middle-classed girl, brown hair, blue eyes, decent clothes, cupboards full of food, nice apartment, Macbook and iPhone at hand. Still, I am unhappy.

I am so fucking damn unhappy and I do not know why. I have no clue. Not a hint. I simply do not know. But it is driving crazy. Because it is not fair. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I have everything that I need, no I even have more.

I have the best boyfriend in the world, who I met right after I got back from Peru and who has stayed by my side ever since making me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I haveĀ  amazing parents, who try their very best and work hard and I know that they live to see me succeed. I have a sister, who loves me so incredibly much, and who needs me and makes me feel needed. And I have a brother, who is not afraid to speak up and call me on some bullshit, and even though we might disagree, I know he’ll always be honest. I have friends. People I can trust, rely on, and people, who will be here for me when I need them. So as you see I have no right, not even the slightest, tiniest little bit, to be so unhappy.

I may have made a lot of New Years resolutions, mostly ones that I’ve held till around January 3rd, but there is one resolution that I have regarding life. I promised myself, no matter what, I want to be happy.

So, having no other clue on how to figure this out, I turned to my good old friend. My computer keyboard. Word by word, letter by letter I am going to figure this out. I am going to make my way back. Back into that fucking spot of sunshine, when you hear the birds chirping, and the people smiling, and when you just start smiling for no reason. That’s where I wanna get. And I will. I will be happy again.

Advertisements

And another year comes to an end…

…which marks the beginning of a new one full of opportunities, experiences and adventures. As you see, I seem to be optimistic concerning the New Year. So let me sum up the past few months for you:

There were no butterflies left for L. or T. No. But over a few beers by the riverside I realized that there was someone, who had some butterflies left for ME. Skeptical, given my recent past with princes that turned into big old frogs, I did not want to let any more confusion in my heart and tried to shut and lock the doors. As you can probably guess, that try I gave, did not quite work out.

As a celebration of our four-months-anniversary, A. and I decided to go on our very first vacation: A Skiing Weekend in a mountain hut. In the freezing cold, our kisses warmed us up during the ride up the mountain in the small but comfortable gondola. It proves difficult to describe what the atmosphere was like: The perky, white snowflakes embellishing my dark hair, our hands convoluted in one another and our eyes meeting with a glorified look full of sparkling, gleaming promises of love.

But not only my love life has achieved a high tide, so has my academic career: I have finished high school. I graduated. It’s over. Don’t get me wrong – I loved high school! I already miss fellow students and teachers, I miss the run for the sparsely placed but vigorously used microwaves, the annoyed look to the clock when the bell has already rung, the rolling of the eyes when someone cuts you off in the hallway – Yes, I miss high school. I miss the lunches with my friends, the chitchat and gossip over faculty and the not-so-well-liked friends, the educational discussion with our teachers, and the participation in each others lifes. Because ever since graduation, my life mainly consist of online movie streaming (legally, of course) and chocolate bars (Yeah, I gave up on that fitness plan)

So here I am, making New Year’s Resolutions: Next year will give me the opportunity to better myself as a person, to contribute my share of benevolence and helpfulness to a project, which will provide someone else with increased opportunities, to share my happiness with the world, I want to make the world a better place.

I know I can’t save the world. I know I’m no superhero. But what I can do, is to share my happiness with others, to help and stand by, to listen and to comfort, to laugh and to love, and to live life to the fullest. So I might not save the world as a whole, but I will impact the life of my family, friends, and fellow citizens to make their lifes better.

Good news, bad news, better news

Against all social norms, I am going to start with writing about the good news. Even more, I’ll sandwich the bad news between the good news and the better news, so they will only be as valuable as a slice of salami between the firm foundation of bread – and that’s how you cut out negativity in your life – you just transform it to sandwiches.

Enough of the food talk, now we are switching to moon walk. Not in the Michael – Jackson – ishy – way, more like in walking along the riverside on a warm spring night, feeling the booze in your stomach mix up with the booze of your heart, beating as if you were running a 5k. The drinks were running too, not a 5k, but down our throats, making the last bits of pieces of uncomfortableness disappear. Even more so, when we arrived on the roof of his flat and L. stood up, jumped on a lug and told me to come along – he would show me the most beautiful spot in the city. We were laying on our backs and watching the stars – although you could hardly see them – thanks pollution. However, that did not destroy the magic that was created that night over the big dipper.

Well now, let’s move on to the bad news. The destroying, delusionating, dreary, vapid truth. It was the last day before spring break – and while the dorks were sitting and staring, we were drinking and daring to expose our drunk selves to the sober half of the class. The walk on the river was accompanied by my fellow students, making sure that there was enough room for Jesus between L. and me. It got even worse, when inĀ  a round of truth or truth – mostly because we were too lazy to actually fulfill dares – he got asked who he’d do it with from our school. The fact that he didn’t say my name is obvious. But is it blatant cover-up to keep our secret hidden in front of our class? Or is my mind creating a secret that only consists of hot airsequences of nothing? Or maybe am I right, and the hot airsequences do contain a slight bit of love? Or is it the cursory joy of fleeting summernights that makes us stumble? At least the stars watching was just between him, me, and the universe.

Now let’s move on to the completely unrelated but remarkable better news: I reached a new level of spontaneity. Last Tuesday, my friend and I celebrated the beginning of spring with a cold beer on a hot afternoon at the riverside. Over our excitement, our love for travel slowly arose – and: We are flying to London, GB tomorrow. The surprise call to my parents was rather strange: “Hey mom, are you up for a talk? … Mmhhm … Yeah, um I have a question … Well, do you think … Yeah, we would like to travel to London in, wait let’s count, like 4 days, alright?”

But now it’s less than 12 hours until I will get the chance to discover a new city and with it a new perspective on the world. The only not so exciting thing is that I now officially have less than three hours of sleep left.

Therefore, goodnight.

 

Push, squat, breathe

I will admit it straight away: The only reason why I am flirting with the devil is pure peer pressure. But over the daily talks of the greatness of burpees and the satisfaction of wall-climbers, I got curious.

So I dug up the old and wrinkly sport clothes from the bottom of my drawer, and decided to get fit for summer.

After 60 minutes of burpees, squats, wall-climbers, push-ups and sit-ups, I was about to pass out. But not only from exhaustion, but also from pride – I actually survived an entire lesson of Crossfit. I have entered the magical threshold of the fitness universe, and I have promptly been infected with fitness mania. The only cure seems to be to sweat more, squat lower and suck it up, so one day, I won’t have to suck it in anymore.

Well, the regrets are coming today, that I couldn’t even put on my coat because I am sore as hell. And there we are with the devil again. But my abs and muscles, which are lying under a firm layer of winter fat, will thank me eventually.

And as long as I don’t forget to breathe, I can work it. Just push, squat and breathe.

 

The First Dance – Perks of PE

It is another lovely spring afternoon, and I certainly do feel like sharing what happened today, because today, I moved up approximately 50 steps on the scale of girly infatuation or in other words:

I got to dance with him.

And not just a dance, it was the first one. Well, it is time to introduce him: He is called L. and since this summer we share classroom and test dates – he is in my class. Well additionally to the chemistry classes on Friday afternoon, we have created chemistry between us on Friday night, while watching a school play with the entire class – it felt like I was on a date.

Confused, however not indisposed, I decided it would be time for this flirtationship to be carried out the front house on to the streets.

And that’s what we did: Now my day not only consist of boring school lessons – it is now studded with awkward looks followed by hesitating smiles and a shy eye contact. Now back to what I actually intended to tell:

There are perks of doing standard dances in PE. And although most of the time I am worried to end up alone, or with the guy with the smelly armpits, I sometimes get lucky: as for example today. With the first prelude of the music my eyes wandered across the room, attaching them to his. “How about us?”, and he smiled. We swirled and span, we jumped, we ran – at least for one dance, he was my man.

And now enough of stupid rhymes. The only thing I know is that we rocked the floor. Hell yeah we did!

 

 

About weather phenomenons and new beginnings: The arrival of spring

Spring has finally announced itself, unfortunately though accompanied by a heavy load of hayfever which haunting me and my nose through day and night. Otherwise, things are looking up. With the arousal of spring, my feelings started to arouse too: I am starting to feel again.

With winter’s windy tide and icy, cold dark nights, winter has silenced me and my inner thoughts into a never-be. I built a wall, safe and strong to stand against avalanches of tears and piles of stacked up emotions, who would have certainly contributed to the snowball effect, which would have cause me to spend the rest of winter in bed under my warming blanket, since my bed seemed to be the only one that wanted to spend a night with me. I shut O., who calls himself my ex-boyfriend and first love, out to survive, I put my feelings in freeze, so they couldn’t reach me anymore. I closed the door and locked it twice. Feelings were not welcomed.

Now it might be summer’s warmth announcing itself through springy afternoons and idyllic evening lights. It might be the first lightning bugs brighten up the night along with my mood, the taste of fresh strawberries, when the teeth reach the soft and sweet juice through a firm bite, refreshing mouth and mind. It might be the fact, that I rolled up my pants, exchanged boots for ballerina shoes and finally took off my winter coat.

No matter the cause, one thing is for sure.

I am starting to feel again.

And as you see, I am a hopeless romantic trying to capture life’s beauty in words in order to express my inner butterflies, which are slowly stiring up my inner hormonial circle making me look at people in a way I have not looked at them before. But more about that another time.

The most uncreative way to introduce myself: Hello

After years of hesitation, and mainly lack of motivation to actually set up a site, I have finally found the courage to enter the blogger scene. But how do you start a blog? It feels like these awkward rounds on the first day of class “Let’s all say our names and your favorite food”.

So I am I. Well no, not just like I myself, my first name starts with the letter I. And pizza. My favorite food is pizza. With fresh tomatoes and peppers preferably – just in case you were wondering.

Unfortunately, pizza seems about the most exciting thing in my life at the moment. I am going through doldrums. Complete doldrums. And while on one side I should be happy that things finally calmed down, and I survived all the storms, a little part inside of me is screaming for adventure.

So let’s see what spring 2014 will bring.