Pathetic Fallacy – Clouds over my Head

The guy who taught me this word – I once thought he was the one. He was the muse to my lines turning them into what I thought was meaningful. He was the inspiration for my rhymes and the rhythm of my beat. He was a frog. Just like so many other princes that seemed to have gone through a reverse metamorphosis. And then they always say that frogs love the rain. Well at least the weather matches up with my mood. The cloudy and vacuous sky that has been hanging over my head and damping my non-existing smile did not only bring physical sogginess on the streets but also metaphorical rain in my head. And not even chocolate managed to be strong enough to build myself an umbrella. The only thing I built with it, is a couple extra pounds on the scale – but that’s a whole other story.

This story namely, is about the spring that I have wished to come a couple weeks ago since my life seemed so boring. And about that same spring which I now wish back to where it came from, because it is giving me sleepless nights and a severe headache. But let’s start at the beginning.

After the exciting nights spent with L., I felt absolutely no excitement when I packed up my backpack for camp. The forest was calling – or the scouts camping in it, to be precise. But against all prejudgements, I have been carried away into the world nightly campfires and the sounds of our voices matching up with the chords of the guitar and the sizzling of the flames, warming not only my hands but also my heart. I know it’s sounds cheesy but it was beautiful. I have not seen that many stars at once on a nightly sky in a while. The lack of pollution did not only clear off the sky, but my head as well. Things were so easy. It just all worked out. Not having known anyone prior to departure, I was worried about a billion things – turns out no worries were needed. Because I was accepted and even more, I was liked within peers and patrons. I did not want the week to end – we all didn’t, in only a week we developed family feelings for each other – although I was glad to have my own bathroom back.

Now, let’s speak about the more exciting parts: Not only the spring, which I wished for arrived. There were other springy feelings around as well. And while I had no trouble to give the fluff to the six-teen-year old, who seemed to grab my hands and massage them whenever they were within half a mile distance, I struggled when the good-looking, sexy, and buff T. suddenly decided to give me his attention. No. It was not the romantic kind of attention. But I didn’t mind. Being single since for almost 9 months, makes a woman develop needs – or more – desires. It was a warm and funny night – including the consumption of liquors which did certainly not help my better judgement to decide against – the sauna was not the only thing making the evening hot… Nevertheless, fate decided to end before the finish – making T. promise me to terminate another night which left me, the hopeless romantic, in unrealistic expectations.

Having returned to my hometown, things got weird. We did hook up a second time, but last night, all their was, was the awkward avoidance of eye contact, which made us have even more awkward eye contact after all. I can’t help it, I still think he’s insanely hot, but he made clear that he does not want anything to do with me anymore. And there are the clouds building up over my head…

Because it seems like princes cannot be found in hot sauna nights or rhythmic muses – the search will continue. And even though I still think about L. a lot, I am worried what my questionless acceptance of T. means? Was it the sixpack that made me forget L.’s personality? That would make me a pretty bad person. Or is it the natural attraction to someone who I have just met at the wrong time?

Well time will show.

Exposure – Admitting my nerd status

It is official. I outed myself. I divulged. I emerged into the stage of public exposure.

How it all started? With a bag. A simple cotton bag. Having walked down Oxford Street without having bought anything but a BOOK, surely can accomplish to make a seventeen-year-old girl question herself about the fitting in in the present-day society. Luckily, I seem not to be alone in my misfit – that’s what friends are for. R. – my dear friend whom I just met relatively recently but have found a soul mate in – seems to have accepted the social status of a nerd and lives a pretty good life with it. Daring myself to ball up and finally shake off the chicken mentality followed her pointed finger right into the store ForbiddenPlanet. Now, I don’t know about your knowledge of this store but long story short – if you are nerd you know what I am talking about, otherwise, feel free to google it.

Not only did we enter the store, no, we also spent an amount of approximately one and a half hour inside of it, spending our money on cotton bags with a cat and the words “purr, purr, purr” (Big Bang Theory fans – you know what I am talking about), StarTrek notebooks and a new manga for the collection.

Having the courage to actually display my nerd status has changed my point of view on life. It is not about hiding the secrets, it’s about carrying them around your arm and hold them into everyone’s face. Bitch please, let me live my life.

Good news, bad news, better news

Against all social norms, I am going to start with writing about the good news. Even more, I’ll sandwich the bad news between the good news and the better news, so they will only be as valuable as a slice of salami between the firm foundation of bread – and that’s how you cut out negativity in your life – you just transform it to sandwiches.

Enough of the food talk, now we are switching to moon walk. Not in the Michael – Jackson – ishy – way, more like in walking along the riverside on a warm spring night, feeling the booze in your stomach mix up with the booze of your heart, beating as if you were running a 5k. The drinks were running too, not a 5k, but down our throats, making the last bits of pieces of uncomfortableness disappear. Even more so, when we arrived on the roof of his flat and L. stood up, jumped on a lug and told me to come along – he would show me the most beautiful spot in the city. We were laying on our backs and watching the stars – although you could hardly see them – thanks pollution. However, that did not destroy the magic that was created that night over the big dipper.

Well now, let’s move on to the bad news. The destroying, delusionating, dreary, vapid truth. It was the last day before spring break – and while the dorks were sitting and staring, we were drinking and daring to expose our drunk selves to the sober half of the class. The walk on the river was accompanied by my fellow students, making sure that there was enough room for Jesus between L. and me. It got even worse, when inĀ  a round of truth or truth – mostly because we were too lazy to actually fulfill dares – he got asked who he’d do it with from our school. The fact that he didn’t say my name is obvious. But is it blatant cover-up to keep our secret hidden in front of our class? Or is my mind creating a secret that only consists of hot airsequences of nothing? Or maybe am I right, and the hot airsequences do contain a slight bit of love? Or is it the cursory joy of fleeting summernights that makes us stumble? At least the stars watching was just between him, me, and the universe.

Now let’s move on to the completely unrelated but remarkable better news: I reached a new level of spontaneity. Last Tuesday, my friend and I celebrated the beginning of spring with a cold beer on a hot afternoon at the riverside. Over our excitement, our love for travel slowly arose – and: We are flying to London, GB tomorrow. The surprise call to my parents was rather strange: “Hey mom, are you up for a talk? … Mmhhm … Yeah, um I have a question … Well, do you think … Yeah, we would like to travel to London in, wait let’s count, like 4 days, alright?”

But now it’s less than 12 hours until I will get the chance to discover a new city and with it a new perspective on the world. The only not so exciting thing is that I now officially have less than three hours of sleep left.

Therefore, goodnight.

 

Push, squat, breathe

I will admit it straight away: The only reason why I am flirting with the devil is pure peer pressure. But over the daily talks of the greatness of burpees and the satisfaction of wall-climbers, I got curious.

So I dug up the old and wrinkly sport clothes from the bottom of my drawer, and decided to get fit for summer.

After 60 minutes of burpees, squats, wall-climbers, push-ups and sit-ups, I was about to pass out. But not only from exhaustion, but also from pride – I actually survived an entire lesson of Crossfit. I have entered the magical threshold of the fitness universe, and I have promptly been infected with fitness mania. The only cure seems to be to sweat more, squat lower and suck it up, so one day, I won’t have to suck it in anymore.

Well, the regrets are coming today, that I couldn’t even put on my coat because I am sore as hell. And there we are with the devil again. But my abs and muscles, which are lying under a firm layer of winter fat, will thank me eventually.

And as long as I don’t forget to breathe, I can work it. Just push, squat and breathe.

 

The First Dance – Perks of PE

It is another lovely spring afternoon, and I certainly do feel like sharing what happened today, because today, I moved up approximately 50 steps on the scale of girly infatuation or in other words:

I got to dance with him.

And not just a dance, it was the first one. Well, it is time to introduce him: He is called L. and since this summer we share classroom and test dates – he is in my class. Well additionally to the chemistry classes on Friday afternoon, we have created chemistry between us on Friday night, while watching a school play with the entire class – it felt like I was on a date.

Confused, however not indisposed, I decided it would be time for this flirtationship to be carried out the front house on to the streets.

And that’s what we did: Now my day not only consist of boring school lessons – it is now studded with awkward looks followed by hesitating smiles and a shy eye contact. Now back to what I actually intended to tell:

There are perks of doing standard dances in PE. And although most of the time I am worried to end up alone, or with the guy with the smelly armpits, I sometimes get lucky: as for example today. With the first prelude of the music my eyes wandered across the room, attaching them to his. “How about us?”, and he smiled. We swirled and span, we jumped, we ran – at least for one dance, he was my man.

And now enough of stupid rhymes. The only thing I know is that we rocked the floor. Hell yeah we did!

 

 

About weather phenomenons and new beginnings: The arrival of spring

Spring has finally announced itself, unfortunately though accompanied by a heavy load of hayfever which haunting me and my nose through day and night. Otherwise, things are looking up. With the arousal of spring, my feelings started to arouse too: I am starting to feel again.

With winter’s windy tide and icy, cold dark nights, winter has silenced me and my inner thoughts into a never-be. I built a wall, safe and strong to stand against avalanches of tears and piles of stacked up emotions, who would have certainly contributed to the snowball effect, which would have cause me to spend the rest of winter in bed under my warming blanket, since my bed seemed to be the only one that wanted to spend a night with me. I shut O., who calls himself my ex-boyfriend and first love, out to survive, I put my feelings in freeze, so they couldn’t reach me anymore. I closed the door and locked it twice. Feelings were not welcomed.

Now it might be summer’s warmth announcing itself through springy afternoons and idyllic evening lights. It might be the first lightning bugs brighten up the night along with my mood, the taste of fresh strawberries, when the teeth reach the soft and sweet juice through a firm bite, refreshing mouth and mind. It might be the fact, that I rolled up my pants, exchanged boots for ballerina shoes and finally took off my winter coat.

No matter the cause, one thing is for sure.

I am starting to feel again.

And as you see, I am a hopeless romantic trying to capture life’s beauty in words in order to express my inner butterflies, which are slowly stiring up my inner hormonial circle making me look at people in a way I have not looked at them before. But more about that another time.

The most uncreative way to introduce myself: Hello

After years of hesitation, and mainly lack of motivation to actually set up a site, I have finally found the courage to enter the blogger scene. But how do you start a blog? It feels like these awkward rounds on the first day of class “Let’s all say our names and your favorite food”.

So I am I. Well no, not just like I myself, my first name starts with the letter I. And pizza. My favorite food is pizza. With fresh tomatoes and peppers preferably – just in case you were wondering.

Unfortunately, pizza seems about the most exciting thing in my life at the moment. I am going through doldrums. Complete doldrums. And while on one side I should be happy that things finally calmed down, and I survived all the storms, a little part inside of me is screaming for adventure.

So let’s see what spring 2014 will bring.