Gratitude

After having rolled in my self-pity for days now, I have to find another outlook on life. Starting by thanking one person, who has been my rock for the last two years.

Shortly after Peru, I have moved to a new city, about two hours away from home. Excited and a little bit scared I started my new life with two fellow roommates in an old apartment in the rather bad part in town. However, it wasn’t the neighborhood that caused me troubles – no – but my roommates sure did. I only had one person back then that could cheer me up: P. My boyfriend, love of my life, P. He would stay with me every night, because I couldn’t take it to be alone. He would have his phone always on vibrate, so that he’d hear me calling even during work hours. He made sure that I knew how much he loved me.

After six months I couldn’t take it any longer, and I fled. I would walk up to the apartment door, only to turn around after having touched the doorknob. So I hid at his place. For two entire months. I just couldn’t go back there. Then I moved. I thought that was it. Things were looking up, and starting to get better. P. and I bonded over long moonlight walks by the lake, fun roller coaster rides at the fair, delicious meals in the lovely restaurant up-town, barbecuing steaks on warm summer nights, and over moments filled with laughter and joy. I soon realized, he was the one. And that I never were to let him go.

August came and I not only started a new, demanding job, but I also got to move back home. P. and I hit rough patches, but it only made us stronger. In December my job, a temporary position, came to an end. We celebrated by taking a trip over New Years. It was one of the happiest vacations in my life. I have made memories, that I will keep forever, and that deserve to be thought about every so often.

But then January hit. I just hit this empty space. I didn’t have a reason to get up in the morning, I had nothing to do, no job, no college for another 2 months, nothing. Also I had to face the fact, that I’d soon have to move back to my college apartment. Same apartment, different people. So back to square one. But I had time. I had two months that I could spend with P. all to myself. I moved in with him for six whole weeks, eternity as it seemed. Followed by two more weeks on our dream vacation in the Caribbean. I was almost sad when I got on the plane, because it meant that our six weeks together were already over. But I still had two left. And these two weeks were the most wonderful weeks in my entire life. I have started laughing again, laughing to the fullest, I have smiled at strangers, talked to waiters, made new friends, I let life carry me again and making me happy.

That was three weeks ago. Now I am back in the clean sheets of my college apartment. P. has left for mandatory military service, so I barely get to see him. But this doesn’t change anything. He is and has always been my rock. My saving branch, when I am nearly drowning. My security blanket, when I need to snuggle up. My shoulder to cry on, when I just can’t keep it in anymore. He has supported me in any way that he can and he is showing me his love day by day, every second of my life. So no matter what the future brings, he will always be the love of my life. He is my rock, my baby, my king, my hero, and my very best friend.

And that is a pretty damn good thing to be happy about.

 

P., I thank you for what you give me day by day. You are my world.

 

 

Unhappiness

The thing about unhappiness is, that it is not justified.

Unhappiness is simply a heavy, dark stone in your chest at the end of a sunny day. Unhappiness is the difficulty to put on a smile, even though when the joke was funny. Unhappiness is thinking you’re having a bad day, though when looking back nothing bad has happened so far. Unhappiness is the cold shiver, when you open your eyes in the morning, not knowing how to get out of bed. Unhappiness is the attempt of getting it together, not knowing where to start scraping.

But the worst of all: Unhappiness is the moment when you realize you have no right to be unhappy, yet you are anyways.

Let me tell you about my day. Sunny, temperature the high 70s, day off school, plans to go out shopping, and spend a chill day. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Now let me tell you about the cramps in my stomach, and the dark cloud over my head. Let me tell you, how when out to go shopping, you barely have the energy to speak and want to go back to bed. When at work, you cannot pull up a smile, because the customer seems to be discontent himself. When you walk home after being out for 3 hours, and it feels like you have not slept in four days. When your thoughts start wandering to why you are feeling that way.

And you have no fucking clue. You simply don’t know. You have no reason. You just do. And that is what kills me the most.

 

Two years

It has been two years. Two fucking years. 728 days.

Reading my last posts seem like a distant dream. Words, sentences, paragraphs from a different world. Because I am not the person I used to be back then. As much drama as I seemed to have had, or trouble I seemed to be going through – I was goddamn happy. I was in a good place. Yes, my heart got broken, but I wasn’t broken back then.

Somehow, things have changed in my life, and they have changed me – but unfortunately not for the better but for the worse. I’m not dying, I’m not sick, I’m not poor. I’m a healthy, pretty, middle-classed girl, brown hair, blue eyes, decent clothes, cupboards full of food, nice apartment, Macbook and iPhone at hand. Still, I am unhappy.

I am so fucking damn unhappy and I do not know why. I have no clue. Not a hint. I simply do not know. But it is driving crazy. Because it is not fair. I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I have everything that I need, no I even have more.

I have the best boyfriend in the world, who I met right after I got back from Peru and who has stayed by my side ever since making me feel like the luckiest person on earth. I have  amazing parents, who try their very best and work hard and I know that they live to see me succeed. I have a sister, who loves me so incredibly much, and who needs me and makes me feel needed. And I have a brother, who is not afraid to speak up and call me on some bullshit, and even though we might disagree, I know he’ll always be honest. I have friends. People I can trust, rely on, and people, who will be here for me when I need them. So as you see I have no right, not even the slightest, tiniest little bit, to be so unhappy.

I may have made a lot of New Years resolutions, mostly ones that I’ve held till around January 3rd, but there is one resolution that I have regarding life. I promised myself, no matter what, I want to be happy.

So, having no other clue on how to figure this out, I turned to my good old friend. My computer keyboard. Word by word, letter by letter I am going to figure this out. I am going to make my way back. Back into that fucking spot of sunshine, when you hear the birds chirping, and the people smiling, and when you just start smiling for no reason. That’s where I wanna get. And I will. I will be happy again.

My Mind is Set…

… but on what?

Returning from Peru, I knew things have changed. I have become a different person and I view things differently now.

My relationship with A. did not survive that change. As sad as I am, looking back on a time that I truly enjoyed, I know this break-up is for the better, allowing me to be myself again. Allowing me to pursue what I realized in Peru. No more hiding my opinions because they didn’t match up with his. No more pretending interests that I don’t share with him. I can pursue what I want. Anything I want.

I don’t know what I expected from Peru. I don’t know what my intentions were. What did I hope for? What happened the night I decided it was the right thing to do? Was it the nervous stomach ache I got – the mix of fear and excitement of a new adventure? Was it the look on the map and the imagination of a new picture hanging up there on my wall? Was it me trying to impress A.? To make up for my lack of political accordance with him? But I also know that it did not come from purely selfish intentions. The first sentence I read on the IVHQ-website matched up with my New Year resolutions. We may not be able to save the world – but we can better one person’s life. Again, I know I am no superhero. But the small steps make the big difference. Spreading love among the orphans made me realize that – as cheesy as it sounds – we are one world and we do speak one universal language. A hand being held during a walk, and an ear listening to a story, and arms tangled in a hug, and children being picked up and carried around – these things make a difference in these children’s life.

My mind is set on embracing the new aspects of life that I have learned. To focus on the values that matter in life and to go out into the world and stand on my own fucking feet because I am strong and my thoughts matter.
I am going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to work hard to achieve my goals.
I promise.

The second that lasted three months

Everything is different but nothing has changed.

April. April Second it is. Reading through my old posts made me realize how time not only flies but seems to travel with warp drive. Different than all the fitness plans that used to be my New Year resolution, I this year decided to stick to my promises.
Early February I boarded a plane despite all my fear of heights. Taking off in direction Peru.

Volunteering in Lima has truly been a life-changing experience for me. Working at a local orphanage, I have had the opportunity to establish close friendships with the children there. Looking at them when they smile, holding and comforting them when they cry, seeing the happiness in their eyes when you pick them up, hearing their laughter when you play with them, them running up to you in the morning to hug you and asking you where you were when you missed a day, these are only few of the treasured moments I got to spend with these wonderful children. In my room, there were seven children of age five, one of them was autistic and one of them had a severe mental disability of which I don’t know the name. Although these two did not know how to talk, I was able to communicate and play with them and establish a friendship. The mamitas of the orphanage take very good care of the children, however one can tell that their is a lack of motherly love in these children’s life. Organisations like IVHQ (the one I went with) give us the opportunity to spread some love among these children and we can try to give them the happy, unconcerned and simple life a five-year-old should be able to live.

And now I returned back to my hometown, trying to get used to a daily routine again. Peru only seems like a far away memory. But I don’t want it to be a far away memory. Peru impacted my life significantly. Teaching me values I care about in life, making me realize that we CAN make a difference and that I DO want to make a difference. It just depends on what I decide to use my energy on. No more online movie streaming and hanging around in my pjs all day. It’s time to get up and get my life back together.

And another year comes to an end…

…which marks the beginning of a new one full of opportunities, experiences and adventures. As you see, I seem to be optimistic concerning the New Year. So let me sum up the past few months for you:

There were no butterflies left for L. or T. No. But over a few beers by the riverside I realized that there was someone, who had some butterflies left for ME. Skeptical, given my recent past with princes that turned into big old frogs, I did not want to let any more confusion in my heart and tried to shut and lock the doors. As you can probably guess, that try I gave, did not quite work out.

As a celebration of our four-months-anniversary, A. and I decided to go on our very first vacation: A Skiing Weekend in a mountain hut. In the freezing cold, our kisses warmed us up during the ride up the mountain in the small but comfortable gondola. It proves difficult to describe what the atmosphere was like: The perky, white snowflakes embellishing my dark hair, our hands convoluted in one another and our eyes meeting with a glorified look full of sparkling, gleaming promises of love.

But not only my love life has achieved a high tide, so has my academic career: I have finished high school. I graduated. It’s over. Don’t get me wrong – I loved high school! I already miss fellow students and teachers, I miss the run for the sparsely placed but vigorously used microwaves, the annoyed look to the clock when the bell has already rung, the rolling of the eyes when someone cuts you off in the hallway – Yes, I miss high school. I miss the lunches with my friends, the chitchat and gossip over faculty and the not-so-well-liked friends, the educational discussion with our teachers, and the participation in each others lifes. Because ever since graduation, my life mainly consist of online movie streaming (legally, of course) and chocolate bars (Yeah, I gave up on that fitness plan)

So here I am, making New Year’s Resolutions: Next year will give me the opportunity to better myself as a person, to contribute my share of benevolence and helpfulness to a project, which will provide someone else with increased opportunities, to share my happiness with the world, I want to make the world a better place.

I know I can’t save the world. I know I’m no superhero. But what I can do, is to share my happiness with others, to help and stand by, to listen and to comfort, to laugh and to love, and to live life to the fullest. So I might not save the world as a whole, but I will impact the life of my family, friends, and fellow citizens to make their lifes better.

Confusion and Confession

However, T. was not the reason for the rain in my head – he only provided the clouds. The reasons to make the water drops fall out of the clouds and roll down on my face is my best friend R. Or the one I used to call my best friend until a couple days ago.

The story is told quickly. Jealousy has overtaken her mind. This is what makes this fight so difficult. Her text came out of nowhere, leading to an immediate turn down with T. who I was with that moment, and an immediate break out of tears on my face, but the appellation as backstabber stabbed right through my mental stability.

I swear I never tried to take away her spot in the group, I swear I never meant to cut her out or leave her alone and I am sure not the reason she ended up in the hospital that one night after a party. The thing is – I can’t even cry about it because I don’t know how to fix it. I could cry, if I knew things would be alright soon, and the momentary drama will vanish. But I have no idea how to fix this. So all I feel is emptiness. She is my best friend. And I don’t know how I make her understand that I never intended to do anything to hurt her. But the jealousy, I cannot end. I am not going to stop living my life just because she doesn’t like the way I live it. It’s my life after all. I am lost. But I hope, with the announced sunshine in the paper, I will brighten up a little.

Although at the moment, I fear the thunderstorm coming in: because on Saturday night, all my will either be resolved or my makeup will dissolve itself. Because on Saturday night, we will all meet up at the big party of the year.